Belated New Year Resolution.

Okay, I know am late for resolutions now, I mean its 13th Jan, but I was busy. So its okay.

Last year, my resolution was not to make any resolutions because all these years I’ve only been successful enough to make one, not stick to it. And for the first time in my life I actually did stick to it. I din’t make any resolutions! :D

This year, due to many reasons, I wanna make a belated- new year resolution.
“Have no expectations.”
From ANYONE. Like seriously, no expectations, no disappointments. And compared to the previous years, I’ve been facing a lot less disappointments this year. I’ve stopped expecting from everyone. This place is filled with backstabbers and assholes. So what could you possibly expect from such low grade people? I mean, its your foolishness if you expect anything good. Cheaters gonna be cheaters. They are born with it. -.-
So yeah, stop expecting.

And all of a sudden, life is a loooot more simpler! I mean yeah, I do not expect any promise to be fulfilled. Its like the moment anyone commits, I tell myself, “Not gonna happen” and yes, it doesn’t happen. Aaaand am not disappointed. Maybe its some form of pessimism, but I don’t care. Am happy now right? Thats what matters.
Its somewhat like loosing trust on others, but why not? No one deserved it in the first place.

The good part, if someone accidentally DOES keep up their word, your surprised! Like you din’t expect it to happen and it happened and you’re like

I do tend to go back to expecting, and then getting disappointed but hey its a lot better than before.
I’ll catch up.

Am liking this now. Just hope I stick to it, throughout the year atleast.

What was your new year resolution? :D

Happy New Year :D!

Hard work pays off? Sure.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So like seriously, am tired with all the double-crossing around me. Like seriously.
And everything is soo gloomy. Hard work ain’t paying off. When you try so much and yet your result is as if you haven’t tried at all. Exams just got over, the results just came in and I got like 50% of what I expected and even low. I did try but who is gonna believe that? Forget the rest, my mom certainly won’t but I want her too. Its sooooooooooooo demotivating, everything around me.

Just hope things start to lighten up. Maybe it was like a wake up call or whatever. Will try to take it positively.

Gonna get back to stuff now. :/

*sigh*

And We Din’t Even Get To Say A Goodbye

Its funny how it ended.

It wasn’t my fault and yet you din’t try. Not even once. I was angry, I still am but you could throw it away just like that. Would it have hurt to try? Not a million times but atleast once? You din’t even try to apologize. The sorry you said came from you not because you wanted to tell it, but you had to. It was a result of an unavoidable situation. The last time I wrote about you, I was the luckiest person to have a friend like you and today, you just turned it all upside down.

You think am blaming you? Yes. Yes I am. It was your fault, it was you who screwed it all up. But I could have forgiven. Yes, I would have, if you had tried. Here goes an honest confession, I waited. Waited for you to try to persuade me. Thought you would. But you seemed to care less. It never affected me all these days except for today. Am not gonna be any soft on you anymore but wanted to write about you one last time. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. No, not in a good way. So much of my time went in hating you after you left and one thing kept bothering me, why was I not able to forget you? You were in my head, with negativeness but you still were. Maybe when once I really express how I feel about what ever happened, you’ll leave me in peace. So am writing.

I regret so many things today. I knew this day would come where I would feel bad about your absence. Not because am lonely, am not. I have everyone I need but because you too meant a lot. That thing we had between us, is shockingly over and yet again it wasn’t because of me. Everyone left, but I always did survive, right, so will I this time. The only difference is, I’ve never hated anyone who left me but you, I hate you. You meant so much, I loved you so much and most importantly I trusted you, SO MUCH. And that is the exact reason why I hate.

You don’t even know me. I thought you did, inside out. Cuz if you did, you would’ve known that I forgive. I always did. But you never tried. Maybe you din’t want it. So let it be like that. Am not going to take any step in bringing back what we lost. You would have tried if you wanted.

Now its just too late.
So don’t bother.

Hey, Almost Forgot..

After a very roller coaster-y ride in the past few months, it all came to an end. An end that I craved for. And everything just can’t get any more perfect (Chucking the studies part). Now that I have time to sit and just enjoy this new ride, with him beside me I stopped at a sudden realization. There is this one person who I haven’t acknowledged for all that she did.

We had faced so many fights, bitching around, total shit but when the day ends, we end up forgiving each other. Many days we din’t talk, in fact alternated loathing looks, continuous stares, all crappy things and yet somehow managed to keep this running. There was this always something that kept it from falling apart. A hope, love, trust, maybe in a very little expanse but it was still there.

Hey, no one was made perfect, no one. She did mistakes and so did I. When she can forgive and forget, so can I. Besides, its a new begining, everything is new right now and I don’t want to carry the past with me. For once, I want to let go. Let go of everything that hurt.

Many times I took you for granted, took out all my frustration on you, screwed you for other’s mistakes and you understood it all. You never left and I really don’t want you to leave too. Even when I asked you to stay away, you were away, just, enough time to make me need you and then you were back. I told you that you were annoying and you understood what I meant. I fight with you because I don’t fear losing you. But I realized that once in a while I should let you know that you mean a lot to me. You understand very well but I know that people need to be reassured about being loved.

This doesn’t mean we won’t fight anymore or I won’t get pissed off with you anymore. Your jokes which sometimes makes me feel like your stupid is what I miss in your absence. Many things have hurt me and hurt you too but I know this will never fall apart.

Rida, Love you a lot dude.

P.S: Am not homo.
=P

Excruciating Smile.

All of them were screaming, shouting at the top of their voices, being regular teenagers, full of life. But it was her who was throughly different. Her friends were matured and not like the rest of them. But all were happy. And she had to keep the environment happy. It sucked so much to have people care about her, yes it did. She had based all her happiness on him and when he was gone, she was left cold. Cold is contagious. People din’t like to see her sad, lost and in pain. They did so much to make her happy without comprehending what her real happiness was. It hurt her to see that even after all those efforts, she seemed to be incapable of deriving happiness from it. “It is all how you look at it, its in your hands. You can be happy, if you want to”. Everyone said that. She would have done it if she could. It appeared as if she din’t listen to them, but many failed to understand that she had tried and failed.

But today, she sees them, all so happy and excited and she was not gonna ruin it for them. So she went on and on with all the jokes, the comments, hitting on guys, everything that made everyone happy. She did it all with a great big smile and a very strong heart.
But by the end of the day, her eyes, no longer could conceal her wounds. She rested on her best friend’s shoulder’s praying that she could keep it going for few more hours. A smile every now and then, lame excuses for why she din’t talk was all she did for the next 2 hours.

And finally, as she entered her house, in complete solitude, with no one around to please, she let herself cry, cry for all the fakeness, the pain, then the numbness. She cursed everyone and everything, she begged for him to the empty room as those memories zapped past her. She screamed, so loud that no one could hear it, wished she was dead, wished she could blame anyone for all this, wished she could let go, wished it was not this way, wished for the pain to fade, wished for him. She was angry, helpless and in deep, deep agony.

But was there anything else she could do? No. So she went on, after the breakdown, back to the routine, of pleasing others, smiling and laughing like a maniac just to gratify random souls.

And All It Takes Is A Lil Cussing…

“So girls, please make her comfortable.“

And there was this new girl in our class, shy, quite and umm… not describe-able. She was not someone who you could read easily. Speaking about how she looked, she was pretty, TALL which made me and my best friend, lets say, a bit jealous. We were used to being called the tall ones and now this new girl, make take away our position. Well after a more detailed evaluation about her height, I was shielded, I was still taller but not my bestie. I din’t like her now, I don’t really know why. Maybe because she appeared to be better than my best friend in some way.

That day we had a function in our auditorium and by the time we reached there, I was feeling pathetic. The new girl was bent on taking away my best friend! Okay! it was official now, I HATE HER!

Days passed and my hatred din’t grow infact I started to like her now. I figured out there was so much similar between me and her. She was a friend I could tell things to without having to rethink. She would understand. I din’t have to prepare a speech before I went to talk to her, I could tell her anything I feel and she would totally understand the many, many silent meanings behind my words. It felt good that untold feelings were deciphered without mistakes. And by the time I realized, we were best friends now.

She is one person who I can’t correlate anyone with. Very moody, fun to be with, hard to be interpreted, complicated and very very different. She calls herself weird, and all these things, I like about her. But I never was able to solve her, which made frustrated me.

One year had passed, she was my best friend now and I am supposed to be able to know her inside out, but that was not happening. Something was missing and I wanted to figure out what. By the time I could contemplate about this, other stuff happened which hit me hard. I was going through a lot of things when she was the only one who stood by me. And in this time, which we spent together, we discovered so much about ourselves and each other. We had become so close, that now we din’t even have to say one fourth of what we wanted to convey to each other. Everything seemed to be understood without words to express them. I was finally able to decipher her.

And just like after every day is a night, after a great, happy, smooth going friendship, we had pitfalls. Things were going on which we din’t like and we were not ready to solve it too. Rather we were just ignoring it. Neither she nor I wanted to take the first step towards solving the problem, if there was a problem. We din’t even know whether there was a problem or a misunderstanding or anything of that sort. We had just stopped talking and had no solid reason to support such an action.

My interpretation: Its happening maybe because I was not able to solve her problems and neither was she able to solve mine. Maybe she is busy with her own life, especially with so much going on, maybe her priorities had changed. Yea, her priorities had changed and it was high time for me to realize and accept that. Little girl times were over now. I had hard facts to accept.

Her interpretation: Why should I be hanging around with other girls when I have my best friend? She is not even talking with me. For some reason I could blame all this on her. She was not there for me when I needed her, so she should be the one apologizing right? I needed her and she couldn’t see it. Is this all so hard for her to understand?

The actual fact: Both of us were frustrated with shit going on in our lives and took it out on each other. As simple as that. Frustration. Thats all. We can take out our frustration only on the people who we love and thats exactly what we did. Seeking solutions for problems, in wrong places, we ended up blaming each other as the root cause of the problems. If only we had the patience to analyse what was going on and what the solution actually was, we would have faced this, lets say a rough time more smoothly. But what the heck, life din’t come with a manual!

And so, being back in this craziness, still having loads and loads of shit to deal with, from strangers to absolute sistas, we know better that to blame each other. And we also know that all it takes to bring the sun out of the clouds is a phone call and the usage of all the abusive words you know and ending with “Now cut all this crap and lets be normal again! I love ya!”