New me. :/

Last two weeks have been, what may be called the MOST TERRIBLE DAYS OF MY LIFE.

Everything that I din’t want to happen happened.
And the aftereffects? Depressed, disheartened, weak, cold, lonely blah blah blah me.
People should know how to react and when to react. But whatever it is, affected me hell lots. After a lot of “drama”, all he had to offer to me as advice was the blunt truth.
And somehow, instead if crying and cribbing over it, I was able to accept it. AANDD overcome it. All of a sudden today was a new day (grammatically incorrect, but to me, makes sense). He was right. It was now or never.
Either I can sit and cry and screw my life, or prevent it from affecting my everyday routine and do my work. Atleast for a month or two now. There are so many more important things now, than an un-understanding family.

As I walked to tutions, everything was so clear. Nothing would affect me now. I knew what to do and when to do. There was this energy sorta thing in me and everything was fine. I have friends, my best friend and most importantly him. ^^
All of a sudden, I started wondering why was I sad? I had everything. Almost everything. I thanked God for it. For everything. Everything was fine and I had no clue why. I don’t wanna dig it. Its fine now and that is what matters.

He was right, its just us now, not just me.
^^

Belated New Year Resolution.

Okay, I know am late for resolutions now, I mean its 13th Jan, but I was busy. So its okay.

Last year, my resolution was not to make any resolutions because all these years I’ve only been successful enough to make one, not stick to it. And for the first time in my life I actually did stick to it. I din’t make any resolutions! :D

This year, due to many reasons, I wanna make a belated- new year resolution.
“Have no expectations.”
From ANYONE. Like seriously, no expectations, no disappointments. And compared to the previous years, I’ve been facing a lot less disappointments this year. I’ve stopped expecting from everyone. This place is filled with backstabbers and assholes. So what could you possibly expect from such low grade people? I mean, its your foolishness if you expect anything good. Cheaters gonna be cheaters. They are born with it. -.-
So yeah, stop expecting.

And all of a sudden, life is a loooot more simpler! I mean yeah, I do not expect any promise to be fulfilled. Its like the moment anyone commits, I tell myself, “Not gonna happen” and yes, it doesn’t happen. Aaaand am not disappointed. Maybe its some form of pessimism, but I don’t care. Am happy now right? Thats what matters.
Its somewhat like loosing trust on others, but why not? No one deserved it in the first place.

The good part, if someone accidentally DOES keep up their word, your surprised! Like you din’t expect it to happen and it happened and you’re like

I do tend to go back to expecting, and then getting disappointed but hey its a lot better than before.
I’ll catch up.

Am liking this now. Just hope I stick to it, throughout the year atleast.

What was your new year resolution? :D

Happy New Year :D!

Changed things.

Its very late now and I should probably be going to bed. Have a very hectic week, infact weeks ahead with all the stupid exams but felt like blogging.
Its so weird now-a-days. I get soo pissed off at every little thing. The whole day just goes like wooosh and things are so confusing. Wish could talk it out with someone but I dunno what to tell them. I miss those nights when we used to talk through the whole night till his morning alarm used to ring and then we used to go to sleep. We were so carefree. Nothing to worry about. So much has changed.

It seems like there is no time for anything. So much has to be done, my last year of schooling and am hating it. So many mixed feelings. The pressure feels like am gonna blast very soon.

Want to get out ASAP.
*sigh*

And Yet?

People around me know me well. Atleast well enough to figure out what pisses me off the most. AND YET.
Its like am put inside this jail or I dunno some kind of world where 90% of the people are just sadists. I mean, you know whats gonna hurt me, or piss me and still nothing stops you from doing it.
So much for love and “its for your own good”. *sigh*

One of the few basic amenities I require is MY FREAKING IPOD! With all the nuisance around me, it was my only escape with which I could shut my ears and be left alone for a while. Aaaaaaaand its gone.

Life has become so freakishly mechanical. Especially without music.
So, people who do actually stop by my blog and stuff, am sorry I haven’t blogged in a while and am not gonna blog until end of March. This post was because of this girl called Soomin (Can I like tag this kid with a # or @ or something? :/ )

Anyways, Soomin if your reading, yea this is for you, since you wanted me to post. I’ll be back with more things to say. I just have freaking calculus struck in my head. -.-
*sigh*

Life is SOO suckish. -.-

It Gets Lonely After A While.

Why do we love? :O

When you take care of the tiny things that could make them happy why can’t they take tiny steps towards things that would make us happy?

Just tell us not to expect and then we won’t. There are these few indicators to where one stands in another’s life. And trust me, NOTHING indicated that I’m important. Everything is so interconnected. You don’t commit to something until you are ready for it. Making myself an option in your life just provokes insecurities. How do you expect me to trust or imagine a life where you would stand up for me when you don’t do it now. I feel like a fool at the moment to think that I actually thought that you would. And to think that I was ready to leave everyone and everything… *shrug*

Buuut. I will actually leave everyone and eveyrthing. Just not for you, for myself. Only because I don’t want to cling on to thinks that ring me down. Hope things get different now. Cuz, I always knew that one fine day I would get saturated and then nothing would revert me back. I don’t know if am saturated yet, but I’m giving up. Any effort taken should be from both the sides. And I don’t see that happening. I’m satisfied with my efforts though. The last time we lost, we lost a lot and yet we don’t learn from our mistakes. Our bad. But I don’t take responsiblity even now. I haven’t wronged anyone. No one can change anyone.

Am regretting that I thought that I would ever be your priority. Yes, it always come down to priorities. Cuz, if you love someone they WILL be your priority. I don’t see how it works any other way. Saying that I am important doesn’t work well. I never felt it. Words can’t retain or bring back trust. Actions do. The fact remains that I’ll always love you, prioritized or not but as time passes it just increases the urge to quit on you. I’m just speaking out, cuz if we fall, fall hard and for the last time, I don’t want it to be a shock. You should have seen it coming.

I feel lighter. :/

And We Din’t Even Get To Say A Goodbye

Its funny how it ended.

It wasn’t my fault and yet you din’t try. Not even once. I was angry, I still am but you could throw it away just like that. Would it have hurt to try? Not a million times but atleast once? You din’t even try to apologize. The sorry you said came from you not because you wanted to tell it, but you had to. It was a result of an unavoidable situation. The last time I wrote about you, I was the luckiest person to have a friend like you and today, you just turned it all upside down.

You think am blaming you? Yes. Yes I am. It was your fault, it was you who screwed it all up. But I could have forgiven. Yes, I would have, if you had tried. Here goes an honest confession, I waited. Waited for you to try to persuade me. Thought you would. But you seemed to care less. It never affected me all these days except for today. Am not gonna be any soft on you anymore but wanted to write about you one last time. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. No, not in a good way. So much of my time went in hating you after you left and one thing kept bothering me, why was I not able to forget you? You were in my head, with negativeness but you still were. Maybe when once I really express how I feel about what ever happened, you’ll leave me in peace. So am writing.

I regret so many things today. I knew this day would come where I would feel bad about your absence. Not because am lonely, am not. I have everyone I need but because you too meant a lot. That thing we had between us, is shockingly over and yet again it wasn’t because of me. Everyone left, but I always did survive, right, so will I this time. The only difference is, I’ve never hated anyone who left me but you, I hate you. You meant so much, I loved you so much and most importantly I trusted you, SO MUCH. And that is the exact reason why I hate.

You don’t even know me. I thought you did, inside out. Cuz if you did, you would’ve known that I forgive. I always did. But you never tried. Maybe you din’t want it. So let it be like that. Am not going to take any step in bringing back what we lost. You would have tried if you wanted.

Now its just too late.
So don’t bother.

Let Down. Again.

So yes, I only write tragedies here. I don’t think of blogging till something grossly goes wrong in my life.
So what was it this time?

Nothing new as such. Just the normal disappointment, the consequence of expecting, again. It kinda is natural I think, expecting some basic things after giving your 100% and yet. It wasn’t new at all but no matter how many times you are let down, you tend to expect every time. Or, that is what I do. I never learn *nods head* Why? Cuz I love.

Yes, cuz I love.
And in my dictionary, love includes defending. Defending your loved ones. Standing up for that one person as a gesture to show, yeah I got you back. Speaking up when the person (if) you love is being insulted in front of everyone. Actions speak louder than words. *just putting that in* I don’t want an army of vegetarian and non-vegetarian vampires *soo weird*  fighting for me, but some simple words could’ve meant so much. Mere reassurances of “I’ve got your back” wasn’t gonna take me, rather US anywhere.

Yet again, its my life! How can ANYTHING EVER go right?!!!?!?!?

How can I ever go to bed with a peaceful/ happy mind or dry eyes!! :O

As always, Let Down. :)

Stupefied! :O

She was astounded with the amount of selfishness people around her possesed. How what she was going through, meant nothing at all to anyone. And how surprisingly she was the one who cared the most when they had problems.
How it was always “Me” for them.

When it came to them, the sky was falling down and when it was about her, yea its not something to worry about.
Yea, thanks.

She still couldn’t digest the fact that everyone was like that. Why was it so that she always cared and worried about them, ignoring her problems and when she was into deep shit no one was there even to console her.

Wow.
*baffled*

Only If.

She was drunk.
Completely.

She was resting on her best friend’s shoulder and was going on blabbering about him. She would enunciate her love for him every 30 secs. She said “He takes me for granted” and a silence followed. And all of a sudden she heard her best friend say “No I don’t” only the voice was not hers. She raised her head to see who had spoken and she could see him. Obviously she was too drunk. There could have been no way he was there. She laughed and said, “You know you look and sound like him, its sooo funny! I guess I’m too drunk.”

Just when she was about to go back to blabbering she saw her bestie kneel beside her. She was purely dumbstruck.

For one moment everything stopped. She dint have the courage to look up. She couldnt dare imagine on who’s shoulder she was resting on. She just saw her bestie smile and walk away.

How could it be. How could it happen. She had absolutely no guts to look up. One thing was, she was no more boozed. She was clearer than ever before. He raised her head with both his hands holding her face. Her eyes were filled with tears. And they just looked at each other.. For the first time…

So many thoughts racing in her mind. He was there in front of her and this time, for real. She tried hard but couldn’t move a muscle. All she could do was just sit and stare, stare into those liquid brown eyes. This was all she ever wanted, all she ever dreamt of.

She used up all the energy she had to move and hug him. He was so damn beautiful. She was in his arms, finally. It was like all her dreams come true. The happiness emanating from them could be felt physically. That satisfaction, acheivement and love could not be described.

She cried. Cried her heart out. He had promised to let her cry as much as she wanted, so she cried. Everything flashed before her, from the day they became friends till the present moment. She went on crying as she recollected every struggle, every incident, every scar that cost her for this one moment. She could die right there without any regret.

He could finally feel her heart beat. He could feel it racing. He could feel her. He cried.

He hugged her as tight as he could. They were not gonna let go.. Ever.
He kissed her on her forehead and whispered, “I Love You“.

The Practical Truth. :|

That was reality. She had seen it.

She had seen how everything was just an illusion. “Maya”. How every hero of hers was just one more villian. She saw how love never existed. How no one was ever selfless. How all they care about was themselves and ‘their family’. How no one ever valued her sacrifices. She learnt from her mom. She understood how at every turn her mom was right about the world. How as you grow up you come to know things that you could never fathom. How you have NO ONE by your side. You were always alone. Few, VERY few who actually live the so called ‘non-practical’ life. How the principles of selfless, sacrificial, unconditional yada yada yada love existed only in novels and movies. How all she did was never considered. How people like her would always be taken for granted. How every promise would be broken. Every last person would change. How nothing, NOTHING ever lasted. How no one was ever gonna die for you. How all those words would go meaningless one day. How everyone would just throw you out after they are done using you. How what speaks was money. How worldly pleasures was what people seek. How irrevocable love NEVER existed. How it was just survival of the fittest (by fittest I mean, smartest, cunning-est, practical-est).

How no one was an exception.

What scared her was, how people had changed. It surprised, shocked her when she learnt about the different motives for which people lived together. How baseless families had become. How it was all out of force or benefit and not out of love. How people cared about those who din’t reciprocate shit and took for granted those who would give up every last thing on the planet just for their happiness.

As harsh as it may be, but this was the fact. And there was no point arguing over it. A fact was a fact. No point defending your loved ones. One day true colours will shine. Leaving a handful, EVERYONE was the same. Maybe they differed in minute quantities but that is how it is, the ‘Practical‘ world. She was convinced to an large extent about this. Everyone she knew proved it. She was confident about one thing. True love would be reciprocated completely ONLY by God. How ONLY he would be the only one left for you. Yet there was little hope. A part of her which said maybe she has someone who was not just one more selfish sheep in the heard.

Somewhere it made her smile as she knew, she would always remain the same. Just a little more cautious maybe but still the same. One of those who would always show the fairy tale version of love.

One of those who would never change.