New me. :/

Last two weeks have been, what may be called the MOST TERRIBLE DAYS OF MY LIFE.

Everything that I din’t want to happen happened.
And the aftereffects? Depressed, disheartened, weak, cold, lonely blah blah blah me.
People should know how to react and when to react. But whatever it is, affected me hell lots. After a lot of “drama”, all he had to offer to me as advice was the blunt truth.
And somehow, instead if crying and cribbing over it, I was able to accept it. AANDD overcome it. All of a sudden today was a new day (grammatically incorrect, but to me, makes sense). He was right. It was now or never.
Either I can sit and cry and screw my life, or prevent it from affecting my everyday routine and do my work. Atleast for a month or two now. There are so many more important things now, than an un-understanding family.

As I walked to tutions, everything was so clear. Nothing would affect me now. I knew what to do and when to do. There was this energy sorta thing in me and everything was fine. I have friends, my best friend and most importantly him. ^^
All of a sudden, I started wondering why was I sad? I had everything. Almost everything. I thanked God for it. For everything. Everything was fine and I had no clue why. I don’t wanna dig it. Its fine now and that is what matters.

He was right, its just us now, not just me.
^^

Belated New Year Resolution.

Okay, I know am late for resolutions now, I mean its 13th Jan, but I was busy. So its okay.

Last year, my resolution was not to make any resolutions because all these years I’ve only been successful enough to make one, not stick to it. And for the first time in my life I actually did stick to it. I din’t make any resolutions! :D

This year, due to many reasons, I wanna make a belated- new year resolution.
“Have no expectations.”
From ANYONE. Like seriously, no expectations, no disappointments. And compared to the previous years, I’ve been facing a lot less disappointments this year. I’ve stopped expecting from everyone. This place is filled with backstabbers and assholes. So what could you possibly expect from such low grade people? I mean, its your foolishness if you expect anything good. Cheaters gonna be cheaters. They are born with it. -.-
So yeah, stop expecting.

And all of a sudden, life is a loooot more simpler! I mean yeah, I do not expect any promise to be fulfilled. Its like the moment anyone commits, I tell myself, “Not gonna happen” and yes, it doesn’t happen. Aaaand am not disappointed. Maybe its some form of pessimism, but I don’t care. Am happy now right? Thats what matters.
Its somewhat like loosing trust on others, but why not? No one deserved it in the first place.

The good part, if someone accidentally DOES keep up their word, your surprised! Like you din’t expect it to happen and it happened and you’re like

I do tend to go back to expecting, and then getting disappointed but hey its a lot better than before.
I’ll catch up.

Am liking this now. Just hope I stick to it, throughout the year atleast.

What was your new year resolution? :D

Happy New Year :D!

Hard work pays off? Sure.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So like seriously, am tired with all the double-crossing around me. Like seriously.
And everything is soo gloomy. Hard work ain’t paying off. When you try so much and yet your result is as if you haven’t tried at all. Exams just got over, the results just came in and I got like 50% of what I expected and even low. I did try but who is gonna believe that? Forget the rest, my mom certainly won’t but I want her too. Its sooooooooooooo demotivating, everything around me.

Just hope things start to lighten up. Maybe it was like a wake up call or whatever. Will try to take it positively.

Gonna get back to stuff now. :/

*sigh*

Emotional Rant/ Drama…Whatever.

Seriously?
What the hell is wrong with me! Today was a bad day. Like I was like low, low LOWW like never before and why? I DON’T FREAKING KNOW. How awesome is that! -.- Maybe the studies pressure, maybe cuz Damon is not loved by Catherine or Elena, maybe.. Okay am I the only one who is freaking out after Vampire Diaries? Or is it because I had one free day and in one day I saw all the episodes of the 1st season. -.-

Am sucha chicken. Chick-en :P

Anyways, no more Vampire Diaries till am done with schooling now. -.-
But really does that happen to anyone? Like you go soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo low, you sit and cry your lungs out without even knowing why? What pms? -.-

Really, sucha a baaaaaaad day.
Gonna hit the sack now. Will try to sleep.
But anyone with any suggestions on how to not freak out for no reason, please let me know.

Feel like a dumbass chicken. A lonely dumbass chicken.

Good night.

Changed things.

Its very late now and I should probably be going to bed. Have a very hectic week, infact weeks ahead with all the stupid exams but felt like blogging.
Its so weird now-a-days. I get soo pissed off at every little thing. The whole day just goes like wooosh and things are so confusing. Wish could talk it out with someone but I dunno what to tell them. I miss those nights when we used to talk through the whole night till his morning alarm used to ring and then we used to go to sleep. We were so carefree. Nothing to worry about. So much has changed.

It seems like there is no time for anything. So much has to be done, my last year of schooling and am hating it. So many mixed feelings. The pressure feels like am gonna blast very soon.

Want to get out ASAP.
*sigh*

And Yet?

People around me know me well. Atleast well enough to figure out what pisses me off the most. AND YET.
Its like am put inside this jail or I dunno some kind of world where 90% of the people are just sadists. I mean, you know whats gonna hurt me, or piss me and still nothing stops you from doing it.
So much for love and “its for your own good”. *sigh*

One of the few basic amenities I require is MY FREAKING IPOD! With all the nuisance around me, it was my only escape with which I could shut my ears and be left alone for a while. Aaaaaaaand its gone.

Life has become so freakishly mechanical. Especially without music.
So, people who do actually stop by my blog and stuff, am sorry I haven’t blogged in a while and am not gonna blog until end of March. This post was because of this girl called Soomin (Can I like tag this kid with a # or @ or something? :/ )

Anyways, Soomin if your reading, yea this is for you, since you wanted me to post. I’ll be back with more things to say. I just have freaking calculus struck in my head. -.-
*sigh*

Life is SOO suckish. -.-

It Gets Lonely After A While.

Why do we love? :O

When you take care of the tiny things that could make them happy why can’t they take tiny steps towards things that would make us happy?

Just tell us not to expect and then we won’t. There are these few indicators to where one stands in another’s life. And trust me, NOTHING indicated that I’m important. Everything is so interconnected. You don’t commit to something until you are ready for it. Making myself an option in your life just provokes insecurities. How do you expect me to trust or imagine a life where you would stand up for me when you don’t do it now. I feel like a fool at the moment to think that I actually thought that you would. And to think that I was ready to leave everyone and everything… *shrug*

Buuut. I will actually leave everyone and eveyrthing. Just not for you, for myself. Only because I don’t want to cling on to thinks that ring me down. Hope things get different now. Cuz, I always knew that one fine day I would get saturated and then nothing would revert me back. I don’t know if am saturated yet, but I’m giving up. Any effort taken should be from both the sides. And I don’t see that happening. I’m satisfied with my efforts though. The last time we lost, we lost a lot and yet we don’t learn from our mistakes. Our bad. But I don’t take responsiblity even now. I haven’t wronged anyone. No one can change anyone.

Am regretting that I thought that I would ever be your priority. Yes, it always come down to priorities. Cuz, if you love someone they WILL be your priority. I don’t see how it works any other way. Saying that I am important doesn’t work well. I never felt it. Words can’t retain or bring back trust. Actions do. The fact remains that I’ll always love you, prioritized or not but as time passes it just increases the urge to quit on you. I’m just speaking out, cuz if we fall, fall hard and for the last time, I don’t want it to be a shock. You should have seen it coming.

I feel lighter. :/

Too Much? ^^

Get up.

Know that she is sleeping either drunk on the couch or by miracle on her bed. Give yourself a smile and remind yourself how this was a great idea. Look around, see your room all cluttered up with bags, dresses, clutches, shoes because you both couldn’t decide what would make you get all the attention in the cafe last night. Stand tall, tie your hair, make your way thorough the Louis Vuittons and Burberrys, a kitchen filled with coke cans, chocolate wrappers, empty ice cream boxes and your fav brand of coffee. Brew yourself a cup, go stand near the balcony through which you see the beautiful miami beach. Get stunned, again, like every morning.

By this time you hear a thud, yea she is awake. Turn back to see her make her way through the house with a little more difficulty due to more clutter on the path from her bedroom to the kitchen.
“Good morning!!” you greet with a wide grin. She knows the reason behind that grin and throws a tin at you.
“Bitch -.- ” she mumbles.
“Coffee? ”
And she gives you this kinda stare which just makes you roflmfao.
“Yes -.-”

Give her the caffeine delight, sit in you balcony on chairs made from bamboo.

“So?” she says, staring into the wide open space.
“Rome.” with a evilish smile.
“When?”
“5 hours.”
Look at each other and know how this was the GREATEST idea EVER. Get off our asses and start packing.

“Its summer.” one says.
Throw in all the sunscreen we could possibly carry, shorts, shirts hats, flats, shades, nail paints and all that would make us look stunning as we stroll the streets of Rome into the Burberry. Order a pizza for lunch cuz the next time we dine, we dine in Rome. Dress up and leave for the airport.

Life’s only concern right now would be to look the best in the crowd. No waiting, not commitment, no heartbreaks. Two bestfriends enjoying their asses around the world. One working for Apple or Facebook and the other making a name in Fashion and interior designing. No worries, no pain. Money, life us. Two people who use every last second of their vacation to the fullest. Every vacation a new place. New people, new culture and new brands ;)
Every weekend is a party, no not the night club kinda party, but the way we party. Either in the beach, only the two of us or somewhere else with all our friends. No personal relationships with anyone. The only people that matter would be the two of us. No one else.

We’ll look the best at all times. Wear the best and ride the best. BMW or Audi or Infinity or which ever it is, would be the neighbor’s envy. Best shades, bags. Only such things would matter now and these things can’t possible hurt us. So life is simple.
Greet new people into our lives, have fun and bye bye. No strings attached. No emotional dramas. You happy, me happy.

*sigh*

Too much to ask for? ;)

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And We Din’t Even Get To Say A Goodbye

Its funny how it ended.

It wasn’t my fault and yet you din’t try. Not even once. I was angry, I still am but you could throw it away just like that. Would it have hurt to try? Not a million times but atleast once? You din’t even try to apologize. The sorry you said came from you not because you wanted to tell it, but you had to. It was a result of an unavoidable situation. The last time I wrote about you, I was the luckiest person to have a friend like you and today, you just turned it all upside down.

You think am blaming you? Yes. Yes I am. It was your fault, it was you who screwed it all up. But I could have forgiven. Yes, I would have, if you had tried. Here goes an honest confession, I waited. Waited for you to try to persuade me. Thought you would. But you seemed to care less. It never affected me all these days except for today. Am not gonna be any soft on you anymore but wanted to write about you one last time. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. No, not in a good way. So much of my time went in hating you after you left and one thing kept bothering me, why was I not able to forget you? You were in my head, with negativeness but you still were. Maybe when once I really express how I feel about what ever happened, you’ll leave me in peace. So am writing.

I regret so many things today. I knew this day would come where I would feel bad about your absence. Not because am lonely, am not. I have everyone I need but because you too meant a lot. That thing we had between us, is shockingly over and yet again it wasn’t because of me. Everyone left, but I always did survive, right, so will I this time. The only difference is, I’ve never hated anyone who left me but you, I hate you. You meant so much, I loved you so much and most importantly I trusted you, SO MUCH. And that is the exact reason why I hate.

You don’t even know me. I thought you did, inside out. Cuz if you did, you would’ve known that I forgive. I always did. But you never tried. Maybe you din’t want it. So let it be like that. Am not going to take any step in bringing back what we lost. You would have tried if you wanted.

Now its just too late.
So don’t bother.

Lost Childhood.

English literature in school hasn’t always been very interesting as such but today I happened to come across a beautiful poem by Markus Natten. Not that I have a love for poetry, but this poem made me think a lot. A lot more than what a normal poem in my english textbook would.

Childhood
When did my childhood go?
Was it the day I ceased to be eleven,
Was it the time I realised that Hell and Heaven,
Could not be found in Geography,
And therefore could not be,
Was that the day!

When did my childhood go?
Was it the time I realised that adults were not
all they seemed to be,
They talked of love and preached of love,
But did not act so lovingly,
Was that the day!

When did my childhood go?
Was it when I found my mind was really mine,
To use whichever way I choose,
Producing thoughts that were not those of other people,
But my own, and my alone,
Was that the day!

Where did my childhood go?
It went to some forgotten place,
That’s hidden in an infant’s face,
That’s all I know.

-Markus Natten

It left me wondering, when did I lose my childhood.
Maybe the day when certain things had become too obvious to be concealed, maybe when I was left unguided to take major decisions, maybe the day a group of my friends and I went rummaging to find meanings of “certain” words or maybe the day I turned out to be capable of handling stuff not meant for my age (Not that I did a great job).

 

 

Our teacher concluded the poem saying, that the day you no longer were innocent was the day you lost your childhood. So very true. What was childhood without innocence? What corruption does to a kid is nothing less than snatching away its childhood.
And once the childhood is snatched, the kid is always left longing for petty little things that are to immature for grown ups to understand and fulfill. No one, including this lil kiddo (who is all grown up now) fails to understand certain urges to act juvenile. Absurd, immature, silly little things end up in big issues and no one realizes the reason behind such childish, stupid actions or reactions.

Childhood. *sigh*