New me. :/

Last two weeks have been, what may be called the MOST TERRIBLE DAYS OF MY LIFE.

Everything that I din’t want to happen happened.
And the aftereffects? Depressed, disheartened, weak, cold, lonely blah blah blah me.
People should know how to react and when to react. But whatever it is, affected me hell lots. After a lot of “drama”, all he had to offer to me as advice was the blunt truth.
And somehow, instead if crying and cribbing over it, I was able to accept it. AANDD overcome it. All of a sudden today was a new day (grammatically incorrect, but to me, makes sense). He was right. It was now or never.
Either I can sit and cry and screw my life, or prevent it from affecting my everyday routine and do my work. Atleast for a month or two now. There are so many more important things now, than an un-understanding family.

As I walked to tutions, everything was so clear. Nothing would affect me now. I knew what to do and when to do. There was this energy sorta thing in me and everything was fine. I have friends, my best friend and most importantly him. ^^
All of a sudden, I started wondering why was I sad? I had everything. Almost everything. I thanked God for it. For everything. Everything was fine and I had no clue why. I don’t wanna dig it. Its fine now and that is what matters.

He was right, its just us now, not just me.
^^

Hard work pays off? Sure.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

So like seriously, am tired with all the double-crossing around me. Like seriously.
And everything is soo gloomy. Hard work ain’t paying off. When you try so much and yet your result is as if you haven’t tried at all. Exams just got over, the results just came in and I got like 50% of what I expected and even low. I did try but who is gonna believe that? Forget the rest, my mom certainly won’t but I want her too. Its sooooooooooooo demotivating, everything around me.

Just hope things start to lighten up. Maybe it was like a wake up call or whatever. Will try to take it positively.

Gonna get back to stuff now. :/

*sigh*

It Gets Lonely After A While.

Why do we love? :O

When you take care of the tiny things that could make them happy why can’t they take tiny steps towards things that would make us happy?

Just tell us not to expect and then we won’t. There are these few indicators to where one stands in another’s life. And trust me, NOTHING indicated that I’m important. Everything is so interconnected. You don’t commit to something until you are ready for it. Making myself an option in your life just provokes insecurities. How do you expect me to trust or imagine a life where you would stand up for me when you don’t do it now. I feel like a fool at the moment to think that I actually thought that you would. And to think that I was ready to leave everyone and everything… *shrug*

Buuut. I will actually leave everyone and eveyrthing. Just not for you, for myself. Only because I don’t want to cling on to thinks that ring me down. Hope things get different now. Cuz, I always knew that one fine day I would get saturated and then nothing would revert me back. I don’t know if am saturated yet, but I’m giving up. Any effort taken should be from both the sides. And I don’t see that happening. I’m satisfied with my efforts though. The last time we lost, we lost a lot and yet we don’t learn from our mistakes. Our bad. But I don’t take responsiblity even now. I haven’t wronged anyone. No one can change anyone.

Am regretting that I thought that I would ever be your priority. Yes, it always come down to priorities. Cuz, if you love someone they WILL be your priority. I don’t see how it works any other way. Saying that I am important doesn’t work well. I never felt it. Words can’t retain or bring back trust. Actions do. The fact remains that I’ll always love you, prioritized or not but as time passes it just increases the urge to quit on you. I’m just speaking out, cuz if we fall, fall hard and for the last time, I don’t want it to be a shock. You should have seen it coming.

I feel lighter. :/

Stupefied! :O

She was astounded with the amount of selfishness people around her possesed. How what she was going through, meant nothing at all to anyone. And how surprisingly she was the one who cared the most when they had problems.
How it was always “Me” for them.

When it came to them, the sky was falling down and when it was about her, yea its not something to worry about.
Yea, thanks.

She still couldn’t digest the fact that everyone was like that. Why was it so that she always cared and worried about them, ignoring her problems and when she was into deep shit no one was there even to console her.

Wow.
*baffled*

The Practical Truth. :|

That was reality. She had seen it.

She had seen how everything was just an illusion. “Maya”. How every hero of hers was just one more villian. She saw how love never existed. How no one was ever selfless. How all they care about was themselves and ‘their family’. How no one ever valued her sacrifices. She learnt from her mom. She understood how at every turn her mom was right about the world. How as you grow up you come to know things that you could never fathom. How you have NO ONE by your side. You were always alone. Few, VERY few who actually live the so called ‘non-practical’ life. How the principles of selfless, sacrificial, unconditional yada yada yada love existed only in novels and movies. How all she did was never considered. How people like her would always be taken for granted. How every promise would be broken. Every last person would change. How nothing, NOTHING ever lasted. How no one was ever gonna die for you. How all those words would go meaningless one day. How everyone would just throw you out after they are done using you. How what speaks was money. How worldly pleasures was what people seek. How irrevocable love NEVER existed. How it was just survival of the fittest (by fittest I mean, smartest, cunning-est, practical-est).

How no one was an exception.

What scared her was, how people had changed. It surprised, shocked her when she learnt about the different motives for which people lived together. How baseless families had become. How it was all out of force or benefit and not out of love. How people cared about those who din’t reciprocate shit and took for granted those who would give up every last thing on the planet just for their happiness.

As harsh as it may be, but this was the fact. And there was no point arguing over it. A fact was a fact. No point defending your loved ones. One day true colours will shine. Leaving a handful, EVERYONE was the same. Maybe they differed in minute quantities but that is how it is, the ‘Practical‘ world. She was convinced to an large extent about this. Everyone she knew proved it. She was confident about one thing. True love would be reciprocated completely ONLY by God. How ONLY he would be the only one left for you. Yet there was little hope. A part of her which said maybe she has someone who was not just one more selfish sheep in the heard.

Somewhere it made her smile as she knew, she would always remain the same. Just a little more cautious maybe but still the same. One of those who would always show the fairy tale version of love.

One of those who would never change.

Hold on, Cuz I Will.

There was so much unsaid.

She din’t want to say it out. She would be happy if he would stop reading this right now. Cuz, this was not comforting. Not at all. She din’t want this to become a sort of ‘indirect means of conveying things’ to him. She wrote because she loved to, not to let him know indirectly whats inside her. Most importantly, she din’t want to hurt him, ever. Yet he wanted her to write, so she will.

There was so much inside her now. much more than he could imagine. She battled everyday inside and if it was her oldself, she would have gone and spilled it out to him. But what she had was very sensitive, too fragile. She din’t say cuz she din’t want to. But she wanted him to understand certain things. She wanted him to know that she going thorough a lot and she couldn’t say what. All she knew, it was changing her. Forcefully.

She din’t want to change. She was resisting a lot. Sustaining. She knew that her saturation level was way higher than others but she did have one. There was just so much going on inside. She din’t want to think loud. She could not imagine what might follow if she does.
Her familiar numbness was back and she always hated it. Few days or few reassurances were not gonna be enough to drive it away. Everything seemed so temporary. She laughed or cracked up for just that one instant. And honestly she din’t know what she wanted. What would restore her. She din’t want to think everything was gone now and it was too late. Because, for him, nothing was ever too late. But this time, something was different.

Things had to change. She was responsible for building it up but maybe, just maybe she had used all she had to build things up already. Now all she wanted was some help. She was positive about this, as always. And she dare not utter what her inside voices were saying.

Things would be fine, just everyone needed time.
She needed help.
Help me. Please.

It Hurts.

She din’t belong anywhere. Anywhere at all.
Not even with them.

It was very little time left with them, her family.. Or so called. Hardly two last years and they were making it hell. It was so painful even living there. She din’t know what they wanted, rather what more they wanted.

Walking into the living room just to find that all of them were having some quality time together without her was just plain pain. And then she would get back into her prison. She came out just for lunch, even dinner was inside her room. It was nothing more than a prison to her. Or maybe even prisoners had more freedom.

Few sentences, for the sake of it were all that she was bestowed with. It was so damn painful, watching all her loved ones turn her down. Worst, blame her for all the shit happening in their lives.

“Your sister is the reason I shout at you“.
“When are you ever gonna change?“
“Having you is a punishment“.

She did take it to the heart. Yes. Because usually people give the “Its the adolescence” crap. But this is not something that shes been hearing recently. It was always like that. Always.
Yet she always loved them. Loved her mom. Always. But things would change now. They definately will. She could reciprocate atleast 1 but not 0. Not anymore.

All these years she always cared. They kept telling her that she hurt them, but she never let them know they were killing her. She always forgave them for what she lost for their happiness. She never even mentioned it to them. It was always her who had to give up, who had to lose yet she never complained. Endured all that.The days in that dark house she spent alone longing for company, wet pillows every night, all the seclusion and the discrimination, she forgave…Always.

Even though she kept saying she din’t love them, she always knew, deep inside she loved them a lot. She loved her mom a lot. But not anymore. She was with them because she was forced to. She did any favor because she was asked to. Nothing, nothing would ever be done out of love ever again. It would just be out of force or necessity.

She would leave, once and for all as soon as she could. And it would never make any difference.

*Smile*

Too Silent.

It was eating her up. The loneliness.

She wanted to do something. She HAD to do something. ANYTHING. It was just too much now. ANYTHING AT ALL. She HAD to get out of those walls. Someone, anyone. But no.

It was just her now. She would not talk. She knew it was hurting her beyond what she could possibly explain and she could do nothing about it.
There was NOTHING she could do. She can’t go and fight and anyone to talk with her. She was confined to that room. That bloody bedroom. Struck with her Chemistry book and her Ipod. Her Ipod – the only thing that saved her from going totally insane. She wanted to talk. She cherished the smallest of the small instances where she could talk.

She wanted to TALK. TO ANYONE! But no!

What could she do! WHAT!
Where was this going to end? When was anyone gonna hear her screams?
When on earth was ANYTHING gonna change?!!!

She was really, really scared.

Nothing.

It was just going beyond limits now. Nowhere to go, no one to talk to, all she did was sit and blankly stare at the inanimate objects around her. The loneliness was chilling. Once known to be very talkative, now she had no words left for anyone. She din’t speak at all.

Few obligatory sentences from her parents was all she was blessed with. The whole day she would just stare, stare at the lifeless things staring back at her. Everything was so dead. Nothing she said ever mattered to anyone. It was just blabbers. Books open and tears flowing down her cheeks. It was her daily
routine.
“All you can do is cry“. Yes, what else could she do? Which of her actions had the power to change anything around her?
“Find happiness in what you have“. But what did she have? What was left? Nothing.
No one to catch her back.
And she could do absolutely nothing.
Nothing at all.

I’m Still Here.

Dark.
Plain dark.

What do you do, when all you can see is darkness and all you can feel is pain. Pure pain. Your soul being ripped apart sure is painful. Your better half, or so called, decides to claim his rightful portion and walk away. Worst, stay only because he has to. When all he sees in you, is just anything but love. When he is your angel and you are just meant to satisfy him. When all those words go wrong, when his love is unveiled, you stand alone. Cheated. Betrayed.
Used.

You say… Use me.